Saturday, March 26, 2005
at 11:59 PM

i am not happy. jus now quarrelled again during dinner. dunno why my family is so rotten, so broken. it happens becos my bro was having exams, so me and my mum go bpp kfc to pack food. i ordered meals for 2, unaware dat there are two types: one with 4 pc chicken and another with 2pc + a zinger. so ordered the zinger one. den when it came i said i din order zinger, and it so happened dat the lady din give me my two cheese fries too. so she merely exchanged the burger with cheese fries. dat means i am short of 2 pcs of chicken.

so went home and bro bu shuang. in the end went back to take the other 2 pcs of chicken. den bro started calling me bai lei, cant even do a job properly, which is ABSOLUTELY true. even minyang says i'm a bai lei. i AM a bai lei. but anyway after he found out dat the lady din give us forks for cheese fries he got even bu shuanger. say wad i dun hav balls, cant even ask the lady for forks. so i merely defended myself by saying: i've already apologised, wad more do you want? mom got bu shuang den started scolding us. after dat she started to cry and say wad.. father is already giving problems, the family already alot of problems, and we are adding to her problems. den she say dat we shld treasure every kfc meal we eat from now onwards.

after the whole thing i feel foul. i dun hate my father, dun hate my mother of my bro. i hate myself. i feel dat i'm a jinx. like yesterday, when i went to support woodlands wellington fc against geylang united fc, wwfc was thrashed 4-1. it was only the second time i'm watching a live soccer match at a stadium. (i'm not into soccer. the first time was 10 years ago. i was not watching. was jus eating popcorns and making noise) so can i still say i'm not a jinx? i went to 3a and 3a got dirtiest class award. i joined huang pei's smrp grp and up till now the projects not started. my mrp with huang pei was no better, the proposal's rejected. i came into my family and brot nth but trouble and more trouble. even the hill st tai hwa pork noodles i patronised everytime i went to marina square closed down. if dat is not enuff, even the fortune teller tell me i'm a jinx. he said i will bring a curse to hu ever dat marries me.. like some small illness or health problems or financial insecurities.... =X din wan to say this at first in case no one dares to marry me but hey. being a jinx means being a jinx lar.

sometimes i hope dat i can be another charlie gordon. be a retarded moron and live a life of no worries. live in a world of my own. and maybe some day i shall undergo an operation and see wad i'm going thru rite now. den i shall become dumb again and go woodbridge hospital.

sometimes in the past i even harbour sucidal thots, which is a stupid thing. or i wld wish dat i wld slp at nite and pass away the nxt morning. not very healthy thots... but they are true. but deep inside i noe dat there are kids living in far worse situations than me. and dat inspired me to go on.

i dunno why suddenly i'm toking abt this. not trying to get attention or gain sympathy or wish dat some counsellor wld pick me up but its jus my way of toking to a 'true fren'.. a gd listener. if some of you cant stand wad i'm writing den i suggest you close the window straight away. and maybe dun visit my blog anymore.

haiz. reli feel dat i've been out of my mind lately. but i believe this feeling will pass some day de. when the year's over and its less stressful. and when my father finds a proper job and settle down..

looks like i've revealed some things i shldnt have tok abt. but anyway, will be moving to boarding sch tmr liao, thx to the year 3 one month boarding sch experience the sch have organised for us. a lot of pple not going boarding sch sia. and still dunno hu i'm gonna share my rm with. lol and huang pei says he's sharing his rm with clement wenyuan and kakin. wish him all the best.

very confused now. even the boarding sch stay is giving me trouble, dunno whether my application is successful and i shld go tmr or not. at least i've blurt out wads on my mind.. and i feel much better now. much much better...

k le gtg liao. oh yar cpl results not out yet. very scared dat i'll fail... bye

P.S. i seriously am fine.. jus some hurdles in life i gotta cross. pls dun be afraid of me or think i've gone crazy or wadever.... haha. deres always lite at the end of the tunnel rite??