Wednesday, December 13, 2006
at 12:49 AM

When i'm out with my frens, i am very happy becos we are having fun... when i'm working, i laugh becos my colleagues joke... but when i'm back at home, i hardly smile. and everday, my family will see me pulling a loooong face, my mother scolded me, saying: 'issit becos we had forced you to go to work thats why you are unhappy with us? you moan and groan and pull long face b4 going for work and after coming back from work!' well, thats becos those are the only times i'm at home. but besides that, i dont smile becos i'm not happy. if you are not happy most of the time, you cant go around smiling to everyone like a nerd. i'm not happy becos i dun like my family. its hard to truly understand how i feel. a jobless, poor, aging, unhealthy and short-tempered man who keeps quarrelling with a sickly, weak, naggy woman whom he had cheated on. and the children? one moves along as tho with no worry of anything bad happening, tho deep inside he is carefully thinking of the situation; and thus occasionally flares up when the situation gets too bad. the other simply worries too much; he thinks of his family wherever he goes, he tries to reverse the situation by doing all sort of things in front of his parents, crying, shouting, screaming, scolding them, acting as the middleman when the twosome just had a tiff-off, and tried to get in touch with a counsellor, not to counsel himself, but to help his parents. but all his efforts go down the drain. he was devasted, he cried himself to bed for so many nites. and his parents wld simply say, 'why, dun worry, we are not quarrelling, and even if we are, it doesnt concern you kids.' But its hard on the kids becos they noe the jobless man hav better things to do and the sick woman who has been cheated needs to take a break.

sometimes, i do sympathise my dad. recently, he got a cd from that bitch, inside were all her photos. the cd fails on the old computer, he borrows my bro's laptop to view the cd's photos, but my bro refused and immediately set a password to his laptop. he turned to me, and i agreed. i inserted the cd, open the pictures, and transfer them all onto my com, into one single folder such that it's easier viewing them for my not so IT-savvy dad. and throughout this process, i've been seeing photos of the bitch that caused so much distress to our family. my dad looked at her photos, then exclaimed to me how chio the bitch is. i ignored him, walked to the other room and switched on the tv. after 5 minutes looking at the 33 photos, he came in and said 'i'm done, thank you.' and now, everyday, he will turn on my laptop early in the morning and starts fantasizing at the bitch. i didnt delete the pictures, in fact, i agreed to let him view them on my laptop becos i understand that its his needs. everyone has their own needs. special needs. i told my mom abt it, she didnt say anything cos she's used to the things my dad does.

sometimes during my meal breaks at work, i go to the food court alone. i like to be alone. being alone sets you thinking abt urself, ur life, how you've lived it, how other people are living theirs, how unlucky you are, how lucky you are, how lucky other people are, etc.. at times, when i see a couple with a young toddler with them, i cant help myself from thinking abt the unimaginable. wad happens if the young couple starts squabbling one day? the kid will be scared and starts crying, while the couple carries on with their shoutin and screaming. the young child is helpless, and keeps crying. the family breaks apart, and it wld hav been a horrifying experience. i noe its stupid to think abt such scenarios, in the past i seriously dun give a shit abt families going to the food court for their meals, but now it just comes to my mind naturally, and its rather disturbing. it makes me think of wad my own family in the future will be like (if i ever finds a companion in the first place), and i would tell myself, that i shld nvr follow the footsteps of my father, that i'm gonna get a proper job and give my family a good, happy life. and happiness is not just abt getting the things you want. a poor family may not get to enjoy luxurious living but its the family togetherness that spurs them on and live happily, and to obtain something that money cant buy, and that is love. i must admit that my parents dotes on me alot, they buy the things i want and let me do the things i like to do. but that is not called love. by spamming someone with the things he/she like is not love. love requires mutual understanding from both parties, you understand wad he/she is going thru and wad are his/her needs, you try to satisfy that person and make him/her happy, and when that person is happy, it makes you happy as well. thats why i think if my parents truly love us, they would have knew wad we wanted and all these shit would not hav happened. of cos i'm not blaming them, afterall its hard to understand my feelings.

i'm very confused now, maybe my father is in the wrong, cos he shouldnt have engaged in a triangle relationship. but my mother is in the wrong too.. for all the wrongdoings my dad has done, it's understandable that my mom has completely lost her trust in him, but it seems to me that she is overly suspicious of wad my dad does. my dad lost his job in china, and when he's back home, he keeps moaning and sighing away. and that made my mom think that its becos he wont be able to meet the bitch anymore. i mean come on, i told my mom 'how do you noe, you cant read his mind', and my mom says: 'i noe him well enuff, i've been with him for 30 years.' so i said 'you've been with me for 16 years, can you tell wads going thru my mind now?' she was stunned, and she goes on to say abt the generation gap that is the reason why she couldnt understand my mind. but frankly speaking, if my mom keeps having the mindset that everything my dad does has an underlying objective which will ultimately benefit the bitch, it will only lead to more quarrels. if someone malign you for the things that you didnt do, you feel uber pissed. thats why if my mom keeps suspecting my dad's actions, i can understand why sometimes my dad is angry with my mom. i'm sure my dad still have our interests at heart, tho it may not be evident as in the past, but apparently it is still there, else he would have left us long ago to be with that bitch, instead of logging on to jobstreet.com everyday to find a means of living for the family.

my dad went to zhuhai, china, two days ago for a job interview at philips. came back yesterday, and its of high probability that he will get the job. weird thing is, he's going to genting this thursday with my mom. they are going to the casino. i dunno how they can put aside all their troubles and misunderstandings and still go on a trip to have fun. maybe i'm just thinking too much, but i'm starting to worry that they may start quarrelling again.. and while we're not around too.

time now is 2.50, i've spent 2 hours on this bloody entry spouting nonsense. but it made me feel much better. thank you blog, you're my true fren.



“Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third”